A sad Day!

Today is my son's birthday. He is 7 today and I cannot celebrate this day with him. I feel so hurt inside. Noone knows my pain right about now. People keep telling me to leave him where he is. I get so mad when they say this to me. How can they? A bond with between a mother and child is unexplainable. I have had my child since the first day of his life. We are close and sadly I really believe he does not care that he's not here. I sometimes feel they brainwashed him but I know him and I know he's too smart for that. I am not the only one that has made this comment. Sigh....I'm so hurt. Sometimes I get so mad because I feel he has betrayed me in so many ways, then other days I just miss him. I see him in my baby and I just miss his presence. I hate his father and his family. I know hate is a strong word but I feel it, at least I do today. He has not even said hey why don't you come to see him. I go to his town every 2 weeks and I always see him, but because his wife is insecure within herself, I'm not allowed to talk to him. Which to me is some bullshit because we made a child together. So I'm stuck dealing with his mom. She wanted my son to herself since he was born anyway. She always felt she could raise him the way she wanted to raise her son that died. I guess when i return to school, I'll feel better. Today is just a sad day. I want to go over there and blow the spot up, but it's complicated. My lawyer didn't pitch a fit about the details that's in the final paperwork. So they can come here and say "your oldest son is here today so you cannot have a visit with D.
I will make sure I say a little prayer today.